Loving the Abuser..when you just can't leave

over 8 years ago
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Starz4Lynn (starz4lynn)

375 posts

LOVING THE ABUSER…WHEN YOU JUST CAN’T ESCAPE.

This blog has been written following a close friend of mine, being involved in the dynamics of an abusive relationship. I hope that you are not in this type of relationship, but if you are please allow your family and friends to help you. Getting psychological help is needed at times. This is what I have been told by him: – She told me that I was a good man, but not good enough for her. – She told me that my home and neighborhood were not good enough for her. – She does not invest in Birthday or Christmas presents, but expects them from me. – She has alienated everyone from her life, including her children. – She does not take responsibility for her actions. – She is jealous when I help my mother who lives alone. This is just the tip of the iceberg folks…look at this behavior. Following their ( I don’t know how many times BREAK-UP ) she exhibited these behaviors. – Literally blowing up his phone with text messages of the jealous and degrading variety. – Arguing with mutual friends for continuing to be his friend. – Making posts to Facebook which were directed at him, and how “messed up” he was. – It took her 5 months to retrieve her things from his home. – She told him that if he “were a man” he would bring them to her house. – Keeping him awake with text messages all night, knowing that he has to work in the morning. I watched this unfold over a period of several months, and he seemed to be a very good person, stable and non-confrontational. This is what I observed… – He was powerless to block her number from his phone – He was powerless to reclaim his life – He was powerless to insist he get the keys to his home back ( I might need her to come in if the dog is ill ) – He was powerless to keep her out of his social media, and focused often on what she would think of certain posts that he made. This is how he describes, reasons for her behavior, – She had a bad childhood – She is dealing with a lot emotionally right now – She is upset because he son is in legal trouble. – I am all that she had ( wonder why …? ) – Because of this breakup she tells me her work is suffering. – She doesn’t have any really close friends – I feel sorry for her Now, this is only a small amount of what I witnessed…and when I suggested that he enjoyed the drama he became angry. I digress, as I now realize that this is not the case. I did some research regarding people returning to their abuser. I learned about the Stockholm Syndrome ( google that if the above sounds like you, or someone you know. ) In this type of relationship, the victim learns to make excuses for the abuser. The return may be some small act of kindness. The act of kindness could be not having a temper tantrum, or refraining from further damaging the victims self esteem ( for awhile ) Now the big day arrives, and after 5 months of torturous ( for everyone ) deeds propagated by her, she calls to ask if she can visit him. Well, of course he said yes…after all, he loves her. Oh, and she accused him of wasting 5 years of her life ( yes, off and on ) Oh…by the way, abuse is will often look like playing the guilt card, and is a controlling behavior which is not healthy. Long story short, he is leaning toward allowing her to come back into his life, if SHE gets psychological help, and gets over her ex ( yes, she still hates him after years of divorce ) He tells me that he has a friend who had a bad marriage, and his wife is sweet as pie …since being medicated. Alright, this was a wife…but would you chose this as a girlfriend ? You would if you were a victim of this syndrome. I did not even bother to tell him, that he may want to seek help for himself prior to making this big decision. Although, I did send him some articles that he may, or may not read. There is a time to step away from the chaos, continue to be a friend, and watch the roller coaster…. do NOT, I repeat do NOT, attempt to get on the roller coaster to help your friend. Be at the end of the ride, when it finally comes to a halt, and offer emotional support…they will need it. If you find this sounds familiar, or a problem for you please contact me. I do have information available to me, that can help you get the help that you need. Although I do not give medical advice, I can provide a gentle and non-judgmental listening ear, while you survive this process with professional help. Blessings, Lynn -